mezzanineview (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
mezzanineview) wrote2012-02-09 04:39 am
mezzanineview) wrote2012-02-09 04:39 am
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Right, so. It's been ages since I wrote anything here or at my old LJ but here it goes.
I feel like an awful, awful failure at my own life. I've been going to community college and half assing it pretty much all the way because of bad habits I formed in my last year of high school, habits that did end up biting me in the ass because I didn't get to walk at graduation with the rest of my class. Which is fine to me, but not fine to my dad since he wants to SOME DAY see me at a graduation. So I've been working on getting an associate's and kind of dragging my feet along the way, wanting the basic shit to be OVER so I can get to actually doing stuff for the career I want, except I'm never fucking EVER going to get into the program I want if I can't figure this shit out and find out what the hell is actually going on, but more importantly, finding the will to do just that instead of avoidingavoidingavoiding unpleasantness associated with my less than enthusiastic approach to academics. It's a vicious cycle.
So I got an email saying the school now wants to workshop me to get me "back on the right track" since this semester last and the one before that I didn't do so hot, and I'm just. I want to scream. I want to be able to do SOMETHING right because I haven't held down a job since 2009 and if I'm being let off for that on the condition that my schooling take precedence and then NOT DO IT RIGHT then what kind of fucking asshole am I? My dad pays for this, and I don't take student loans bc I don't trust them, and my dad is in a job he hates because he wants to see me succeed and I am trying to find out a way to tell him and my grandmother in a way that doesn't make them disown me for being a parasite. I'm so tired of being ordinary and underachieving. Maybe I can go work for my cousin or uncle in the Teamsters union instead and make a career out of that. But I doubt it.
I feel like an awful, awful failure at my own life. I've been going to community college and half assing it pretty much all the way because of bad habits I formed in my last year of high school, habits that did end up biting me in the ass because I didn't get to walk at graduation with the rest of my class. Which is fine to me, but not fine to my dad since he wants to SOME DAY see me at a graduation. So I've been working on getting an associate's and kind of dragging my feet along the way, wanting the basic shit to be OVER so I can get to actually doing stuff for the career I want, except I'm never fucking EVER going to get into the program I want if I can't figure this shit out and find out what the hell is actually going on, but more importantly, finding the will to do just that instead of avoidingavoidingavoiding unpleasantness associated with my less than enthusiastic approach to academics. It's a vicious cycle.
So I got an email saying the school now wants to workshop me to get me "back on the right track" since this semester last and the one before that I didn't do so hot, and I'm just. I want to scream. I want to be able to do SOMETHING right because I haven't held down a job since 2009 and if I'm being let off for that on the condition that my schooling take precedence and then NOT DO IT RIGHT then what kind of fucking asshole am I? My dad pays for this, and I don't take student loans bc I don't trust them, and my dad is in a job he hates because he wants to see me succeed and I am trying to find out a way to tell him and my grandmother in a way that doesn't make them disown me for being a parasite. I'm so tired of being ordinary and underachieving. Maybe I can go work for my cousin or uncle in the Teamsters union instead and make a career out of that. But I doubt it.