mezzanineview (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
mezzanineview) wrote2007-10-27 05:31 pm
mezzanineview) wrote2007-10-27 05:31 pm
Entry tags:
Er...
[mood| 
confused]
[music|watching Heroes]
Okay. So.
Been doing a lot of thinking lately, and alternately I feel dismal and good about it. Dismal because I'm realizing how really pathetic I am, socially, and the fact that I really don't know what to do about it, and good because, well, I do want to do something about it. I mean, there has to be someone that's willing to help me out or talk to me or hug me or something, right?
My family is really bad at that, communication. When were not trying to backstab each other, intentionally or not, then we're being awkward, or, if you're an adult, getting wasted at the parties we hold in the back yard, because that's really the only means that we can get together and actually stand each other, for the most part, I think. I can't really help it: I don't like my family. It sounds really lame and really Teen Angst with a capital TA, but it's the truth. Human contact isn't something I get a lot of, like, literally. I don't touch a lot of people. Like I said, my family annoys me, it's kind of weird to hang out with your brother's girlfriend even when she's totally cool with it and she's living in the same house as you are, and my brother doesn't like me to even do something as stupid as steal his hat, or pet his head as I pass by the couch; he's weird like that. I'm fairly sure it's a front he puts up, but it's really hard to tell with anything he does; he can dish it, whatever it is, given the situation, he just doesn't know how to take it.
And that bothers me. He's inadvertently contributing to this thing I have. He's being weird, so i kind of don't know how to act around people because even after eighteen years, I haven't properly learned how to be a person. I hate being around people because I think the mass majority of them just act stupidly and have a mob mentality and just don't have any class whatsoever, and that's discouraging. It's hard for me to even try when all aorund me i don't like what i see, but I have to do something before it's too late.
It's depressing and I might be tearing up a little because I'm an absolute sap like that, and I shouldn't be like this because I've had it pretty good my whole life. But I do want to fix it, and maybe my ideas aren't all that great because maybe Ive read one too many stories and watched too many movies and I'm expecting a fairytale, like a miracle friendship or a miracle love will happen, but all I know is that I won't know unless I actually try.
So I'm going to write some more. I'm going to make some calls. One of my old high school friends has invited me to go to a hardcore show, and even if that's not my scene, I'm going. Because it's about goddamn time.
Stay golden.
confused][music|watching Heroes]
Okay. So.
Been doing a lot of thinking lately, and alternately I feel dismal and good about it. Dismal because I'm realizing how really pathetic I am, socially, and the fact that I really don't know what to do about it, and good because, well, I do want to do something about it. I mean, there has to be someone that's willing to help me out or talk to me or hug me or something, right?
My family is really bad at that, communication. When were not trying to backstab each other, intentionally or not, then we're being awkward, or, if you're an adult, getting wasted at the parties we hold in the back yard, because that's really the only means that we can get together and actually stand each other, for the most part, I think. I can't really help it: I don't like my family. It sounds really lame and really Teen Angst with a capital TA, but it's the truth. Human contact isn't something I get a lot of, like, literally. I don't touch a lot of people. Like I said, my family annoys me, it's kind of weird to hang out with your brother's girlfriend even when she's totally cool with it and she's living in the same house as you are, and my brother doesn't like me to even do something as stupid as steal his hat, or pet his head as I pass by the couch; he's weird like that. I'm fairly sure it's a front he puts up, but it's really hard to tell with anything he does; he can dish it, whatever it is, given the situation, he just doesn't know how to take it.
And that bothers me. He's inadvertently contributing to this thing I have. He's being weird, so i kind of don't know how to act around people because even after eighteen years, I haven't properly learned how to be a person. I hate being around people because I think the mass majority of them just act stupidly and have a mob mentality and just don't have any class whatsoever, and that's discouraging. It's hard for me to even try when all aorund me i don't like what i see, but I have to do something before it's too late.
It's depressing and I might be tearing up a little because I'm an absolute sap like that, and I shouldn't be like this because I've had it pretty good my whole life. But I do want to fix it, and maybe my ideas aren't all that great because maybe Ive read one too many stories and watched too many movies and I'm expecting a fairytale, like a miracle friendship or a miracle love will happen, but all I know is that I won't know unless I actually try.
So I'm going to write some more. I'm going to make some calls. One of my old high school friends has invited me to go to a hardcore show, and even if that's not my scene, I'm going. Because it's about goddamn time.
Stay golden.