there'd be no distance that could hold us back

the CALL ME OUT meme

2015-12-15T02:43:09Z

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mezzanineview @ 2012-03-29T17:02:00

2012-03-30T01:55:51Z

More health stuff, woooo.

Got a doctor's appointment scheduled for tomorrow morning, so with any luck there'll be a light at the end of the tunnel at this digestive system ruckus. I made a bunch of changes to what I was eating today in the hopes that my system wouldn't rebel, but unfortunately there was still some gagging going on when I tried to eat my oatmeal and some mini wheats later :(

But! Remember that college stuff that I was so freaking out about? Mostly it was because I was so concerned about making some damn progress after so long of being unsure what the heck I was supposed to do and how many credits do I need and what in the everloving hell is IGETC. All until about two days ago, when the BFF and I sat down and talked out my anxieties about school for about four hours and decided to see if we could find some of this out for ourselves instead of the magnificently useless counselors not telling me anything I want to know.

Instead of finding out just exactly what I need, I found out that if I switch it from nursing (need another four years of work on that at the very least) to medical assisting (administrative or clinical, whichever I want) and take the remaining three core classes that will be open this summer before picking a specialization, I can get the credits & required classes I need for an associate's degree AND be done with the major classes for medical assisting & get a certification or degree in as little as one and a half to two years :D

GUYS AN END TO THE ROAD IS IN SIGHT. No more amorphous bullshit, no more not knowing what the hell I'm taking classes toward. I have a clear goal and two degrees waiting for me at the end of it. I don't have to go anywhere else for it, I don't have to transfer, I don't need to pay through the nose for tuition, and I can be marketable for a job and get set up for a career, and if I ever wanted to go back and do nursing I could afford it. What the hell. This is the best news in a long, long time.

Smiling.

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A wild entry appears!

2012-03-27T05:13:52Z

Aside from freaking myself out reading Web MD, I've been making a mad scramble to get in control of my stress levels with varying degrees of success. A product of having such an avoidant personality is corners like the ones I do drive myself into emotionally, and maybe when I got that letter about my schooling early in February, I may have started to drive myself crazy with anxiety, which would be feckless in and of itself since there's only so much that educational systems allow you to do at one time, so playing catchup is all a matter of taking it easy anyway and getting your shit in on time.

I suppose it doesn't help that I'm getting pressure from my dad to get some things rolling, but all I can tell him is the truth: I'm doing the best I can. I can take more classes and get an AA out of the way and hopefully get a job, but it will take time, time I've kind of already blown a bit of, but doubtless given perseverance I can get all of this through.

So I'm practicing giving less fucks about frivolous things, hoping that'll unclench my stomach and allow me a little peace from the constant worrying. I've stopped reading comment sections and forums entirely, tumblr savior'd bullshit I'm tired of hearing about and I just want to relax.

Breathe in, breathe out.

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mezzanineview @ 2012-03-05T21:00:00

2012-03-06T05:20:22Z

Welp, there goes my resolution to post more, huh? :)

I'm happy to say that mentally, I'm in a better place than my last posts, if not physically, which is a fine trade off, as far as I'm concerned. For a bit I thought my physical problems were psychosomatic because I was so distressed at that time & also couldn't really eat then, and thought that, hey, it might be repeating itself, but no, my body's still funky even though I'm doing better.

So the physical bit: for a little less than a week I'd been having some issues - stomach feeling full all the time, weird cramps, nausea and the like - and yeah, for a while I thought it was part of an anxiety attack, but it was really bad. I couldn't even eat something as bland as Ritz crackers without serious risk of gagging, and for about two days I had to have a bottle of Pepto Bismol by my side at all times. Since I got back from my dad's, the symptoms have alleviated a lot, and I'm wondering if it has anything to do with sea level frankly, but all I know is I'm doing better now, didn't have to take any antacids or anything for the first time today. I'm still looking into getting a doctor's appointment set up so I'm not tempted to go to WebMD again (the answer is always cancer with that site, haha), especially if it seems to be recurring. At the very least I know it's not ulcers, so yay :)

The rest of the weekend whipsawed between success and utter failure. Successes: I got to visit my dad! Lifting his spirits is sometimes just that simple, since he never gets to see us unless his school is on vacation that week. On Saturday everyone piled into the truck & we went out to try searching for some mud pools that used to feed into this spa that stood way back in the thirties. Found the hollowed out husk of that spa, but no mud pools, but it was still a cool day out in the wild.

Failures: dad and my brother. Urg. They're depressingly childish around each other, and while I don't grudge my dad because he's got it pretty stressful on a day to day basis, I draw the line at getting smashed and playing hideous music over the sound system at two in the morning while three others are trying to sleep. It's rude as fuck and I wish SOMEONE would have said something about it in the morning, but any hint of complaint was primarily brushed off by my brother, who was doing his best to be as racist and misogynist as possible because he loves pissing me off. I just tried not to react or cry at breakfast. Also, not vomit, because as soon as we walked through the restaurant's doors the smell of grease hit me and the nausea returned full force.

So it's been another two days of trying to relax and recover. Anyone who bought the new Andrew Bird album from his website got to download it early, so I'm enjoying that and drinking my tea, mellow as you like. I'll just leave this weekend behind me and focus on moving ahead. Promise to try and post more, lovelies.

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/kicks dust

2012-02-10T04:47:42Z

Whew, so. Re: last entry, I have exactly one friend that I've vehemently held on to since high school and still see him frequently, both of us altering our schedules on a regular basis just to hang out with each other more. And he came home from work tonight and let me sob and whinge and cry all over his couch, then proceeded to outline that his degree and his education have actually done very little in the process of getting him his current job, that a lot of it was sheer, dumb luck and the fretting I've been doing over mine is overwrought in some aspects, and at worst, is combining my intense anxiety with the nasty bit of stomach virus I have to make my life a physical living hell.

So yeah. We both agreed that talking to a counselor first would be the best possible start, then gave me some insight into job hunting, student loans, the never-ending, oft-difficult pathways of taking the classes one needs to Get Shit Done, and basically yeah, he talked me down from the ledge because he's some kind of fucking analysis guru that can figure out my shit better than I can I am so grateful for his existence.

Then he gave me some tums, made me tea, and we called out sick to our WoW raid so we could watch anime and have some time to unwind. He's seriously the best. I realize that the road ahead going to be shitty and there are built in spots where I'm going to slip, and my family is going to be a pain in the ass with their foot tapping on when the heck ever I'm going to be getting my AA, but you know what? That's fine. They can wait. I'm doing this at my pace and I've found the fire lit under my butt to do it. I'm going to sleep better tonight than I did last night, that's for sure.

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mezzanineview @ 2012-02-09T04:39:00

2012-02-09T12:48:00Z

Right, so. It's been ages since I wrote anything here or at my old LJ but here it goes.

I feel like an awful, awful failure at my own life. I've been going to community college and half assing it pretty much all the way because of bad habits I formed in my last year of high school, habits that did end up biting me in the ass because I didn't get to walk at graduation with the rest of my class. Which is fine to me, but not fine to my dad since he wants to SOME DAY see me at a graduation. So I've been working on getting an associate's and kind of dragging my feet along the way, wanting the basic shit to be OVER so I can get to actually doing stuff for the career I want, except I'm never fucking EVER going to get into the program I want if I can't figure this shit out and find out what the hell is actually going on, but more importantly, finding the will to do just that instead of avoidingavoidingavoiding unpleasantness associated with my less than enthusiastic approach to academics. It's a vicious cycle.

So I got an email saying the school now wants to workshop me to get me "back on the right track" since this semester last and the one before that I didn't do so hot, and I'm just. I want to scream. I want to be able to do SOMETHING right because I haven't held down a job since 2009 and if I'm being let off for that on the condition that my schooling take precedence and then NOT DO IT RIGHT then what kind of fucking asshole am I? My dad pays for this, and I don't take student loans bc I don't trust them, and my dad is in a job he hates because he wants to see me succeed and I am trying to find out a way to tell him and my grandmother in a way that doesn't make them disown me for being a parasite. I'm so tired of being ordinary and underachieving. Maybe I can go work for my cousin or uncle in the Teamsters union instead and make a career out of that. But I doubt it.

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mezzanineview @ 2012-01-01T10:51:00

2012-01-01T18:52:35Z

TINGLING WITH ANTICIPATION FOR THE NEW EPISODE OF SHERLOCK.

Please don't screw up Irene Adler, Moffatt. Pleeeeaaaaaase.

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just scroll past, I'm having dumb feelings

2011-12-31T20:58:51Z

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Tis the season!

2011-12-25T18:04:21Z

Happy holidays, mes amies <3

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Regarding some spoilers about the new Sherlock clip.

2011-12-24T20:58:24Z

Cutting it for spoilers obviously

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/fretting

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mezzanineview @ 2011-03-25T11:25:00

2011-03-25T19:05:01Z

Hullo hullo, I seem to have returned to my infrequent updating. Truthfully, not a lot happening besides school and the odd side job for my cousins which finance my misadventures, but I did see the new Pegg/Frost venture Paul. Definitely scratched my nerdly itchy place with all the fabulous dorkiness and shippers on deck and Simon Pegg & Nick Frost being massive, massive LOVE. icedmaple and I spent a good long time theorizing what Star Wars characters Graeme and Clive would have played as children, and the fact that the movie could spawn that kind of conversation is more than enough to make me love it :) Surprisingly enough, I didn't hate Seth Rogan in it, which make the tally of movies he's in that remain safe for public consumption up to two.

I have a few fic ideas, mostly concerning getting from the end of the movie to the Comic Con in the credits, but nothing solid yet, working on it in my free time, in between WoWing and writing for the Tron prompt meme still. So much fandom work to do :)

In the meantime, when Sean and I aren't gnashing our teeth and waiting to transfer our main Warcraft characters to a different, more active server/guild, we're watching Lost--not new for him, but new for me, most definitely, as I was incredibly skeptical during its original run. For my part, I wasn't completely sold on it until about the middle of the second season, or until Desmond started being a more regularly occurring character and the show got past how fucking annoying and dumb Michael became at the start of the season. Season one was great, yes but I could tell I wasn't fully invested for a long while, not at least until the overall plot started moving forward a little more and got past the survivors-adjusting-to-their-situation phase. We're somewhere in the early fourth season now, and I really want to check out what kind of fandom this has, but I'm deathly afraid to accidentally spoil myself though with this kind of show, that may be next to impossible since almost everything is so fucking obtuse anyway. I think people overstate how confusing it is, or mix up confusing for baffling, but I'm pretty glad I got talked into watching.

And the music is rather awesome. Four for you, Michael Giacchino, you brilliant bastard.

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FUCK YEAH ARCADE FIRE

2011-02-14T06:42:41Z

Greetings, flisters! I wanted to wish everyone a happy Valentine's Day/Singles Awareness Day/however you celebrate/malign February 14th :) Me, I'll be spending the day with my fictional loves. Since yesterday was a Shaun of the Dead/Hot Fuzz fest, I was thinking Star Trek today, since I caught part of it in passing after I got back from some errands, and I got this HUGE PANG of HAY YEAH I MISS THOSE SPACE NEWBIES.

So yes. Adorable running and space husbands and motherfucking lensflares for me today :D

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rule of the universe: everything happens at once

2011-02-07T22:59:52Z

Let's not even talk about the superbowl bc it's already been talked to death. Yes, even Christina Aguilera, and man, it's a huuuge overreaction to say that flubbing the national anthem is unpatriotic, but it's fair to criticize her for messing up because of the sheer amount of people tuning in. It's embarrassing, not a mortal sin. For the evening, the only thing I even cared about was seeing the TV spot for Captain America, so I can call myself satisfied. I'll sit back and enjoy the snarky commentary on the aftermath.

Also, the half time show with the Black Eyed Peas was FAR more offensive, to taste if not national pride. Keep things in perspective, kids.

Still kind of obsessed with Tron, to no one's surprise (hopefully). The aesthetic is fucking incredible and the themes & character exploration left open for fanworks is so full of promise. Daddy issues, long term separation, abandonment, the interesting, pseudo-religious relationship between Users and Programs, Flynn's relationships with the people in his real life and their digital counterparts, unfulfilled potential, genocide, pure creation, the list goes on. Lots of material to play with between original movie, the Betrayal comic, and Tron: Legacy, and how it goes from campy, computer concept playland to the glassy, sleek future world & deepest reaches of angstville, oooh, j'adore ♥ Where canon may not execute to the best degree, there is no shortage of ideas to play with.

And I found a prompt I want to write, and started doing an actual outline last night :) Tron has kind of the same porn problems sparked by a kinkmeme as other fandoms, along with some kinks I'm really not into, but it's producing some astoundingly well-written and thoughtful gems. The level of artwork is as to be expected in a small fandom, but there is some absolutely gorgeous work available to whet creative appetites.

The tumblr fandom is hilarious and irreverent, and some of that is bleeding into the LJ fandom, which is appreciated, cuz this shouldn't be a a fandom that takes itself too serious, especially with regard to the 1982 film. Not that LJ fandom was taking itself seriously, but it's a little inactive. I expect it to pick up after the DVD release in April *g* But yes, mostly infatuated with the overall feel. Real world, glowy, sleek digital world, Daft Punk soundtrack, the cast is adorable, and man, who doesn't love Jeff Bridges?

In real life news, roommate is seriously considering entering the military. I have absolutely zero against the military, but this is fucking stupid because he has no idea what he's getting himself into. No one says they're excited at the prospect of boot camp. His ego is far too big to take orders from anyone; even after all this shit with him getting a DUI and putting him community service off till the last minute, he has such a superiority complex that if he does end up in the military, it'll be to a rude fucking awakening. The dude cannot even clean up after himself, how does he expect to survive asdfjkl; *rage*

Aaaand my brother ended up in hospital for a night. The past couple months, he'd been steadfastly refusing to acknowledge he's been drinking too much, but Sam finally got him to concede the point about two weeks ago. He's stopped going to his usual spot after work, and is instead taking walks in an attempt to lose some of the weight he put on. So Saturday he agrees to go for a few drinks with some coworkers, and he thought he wasn't overdoing it, but he ended up all passed out. Someone got really freaked and called for an ambulance, he apparently fought the EMTs, so not only is there a bruise in the crook of his arm from the catheter, there are finger shaped marks all up and down his upper arms and a scrape on the bridge of his nose *sigh*

He does feel incredibly bad over it, though, so that's something. I haven't seen him take a drink since, and while I'm not a believer in cold turkey, he seems to be doing better. Sam and I are trying to help in any way we can.

I applied for a job that starts the day at five am, but I am a total morning person, so I'm not too worried. Crossing my fingers and hoping to be hired. The house in a state of flux, and usually either too much food or too little and now's the latter.

Kieth has an announcement tomorrow! *grabs popcorn*

In conclusion,

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mezzanineview @ 2011-01-21T18:14:00

2011-01-22T02:15:17Z

Holy shit, why is Keith Olbermann gone form MSNBC? :'(

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mezzanineview @ 2010-11-05T08:29:00

2010-11-05T15:35:57Z

Going to do a teeny bit of friend cleaning; mostly people I have little to no things in common with or who I don't talk to in, like, ever. Most of you are safe :)

Actual post when I get some coffee in me. But first! House cleaning go!

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mezzanineview @ 2010-10-10T19:15:00

2010-10-11T02:16:43Z

Oh my god, I am aliiiiiive and back home. Birthday with Dad was fine, grandma got drunk and was really obnoxious, things are well :) Will chat some more about it when I've had a fair amount of sleeeep.

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video game and OST geekery

2010-10-09T00:54:25Z

Oh man, I already geeked about Cataclysm in my last post, but I'm still starry-eyed for it :) I haven't been playing beta much, mostly because the recent patches have resulted in a lot of lag and graphical heavy lifting that my laptop isn't prepared for until I turn down settings, but the lag mostly happens in new areas like Uldum and Twilight Highlands.

From what instances I've done, I appreciate the fact that the DPS actually has to do crowd control. And it'll kill the masses of impatient players who want to rush through and AoE everything down. I'll stand still and let my healers recover mana, and I will sit idly by as idiot DPS go forth and pull. They will wonder why I don't pull the mobs off them, and as they eat dirt I will smile to myself. Farewell, GOGOGOGOGO player, we won't miss ya ;)

Another one I've got preordered, and my brother will go half and half on it with me, Assassin's Creed Brotherhood looks absolutely amazing, with the new solo campaign and multiplayer. The guys at Giant Bomb did a preview of the multiplayer assassination mode, and there's also an official walkthrough gameplay vid ( under here )

I'm loving the second especially because A) they aren't done with Ezio omgyay, and B) seems random, but I'm getting all tingly from the soundtrack. Jesper Kyd took Dreams of Venice and reworked it into another gorgeous variation, using more percussion and cellos and chorus, hnnggg.

*is a happy clam*

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mezzanineview @ 2010-09-19T11:45:00

2010-09-19T18:45:47Z

MCR <3

Oh, it's been too long, boys.

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mezzanineview @ 2010-09-15T07:31:00

2010-09-15T14:31:41Z

I am kind back now :) Woooo~

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mezzanineview @ 2010-09-08T06:33:00

2010-09-08T13:36:07Z

Hey guys,

If I haven't been around/won't be around very consistently, it's because my dad just had back surgery and I'm going to be looking after him for the next week or so. Thanks, and if anyone needs me/wants to say hi, go ahead and use this entry :)

xoxo

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Skid Row, or Fuck Yeah Brendon Urie

2010-09-03T16:31:16Z

It's more impressive when you consider that first part is supposed to be sung by a woman.

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settling in

2010-09-02T23:52:38Z

Got a DW layout figured out. The place isn't really all that different from LJ, just no bustling fandomness and less attempted reaming in the ass of one's privacy. From now on I'll be crossposting, though, so sorry if it's at all bothersome.

Anyone else want to email LJ billing for refunds? Only fair if they're ignoring their own terms of use, amirite?

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