mezzanineview: (Default)
mezzanineview ([personal profile] mezzanineview) wrote2012-02-09 04:39 am
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Right, so. It's been ages since I wrote anything here or at my old LJ but here it goes.

I feel like an awful, awful failure at my own life. I've been going to community college and half assing it pretty much all the way because of bad habits I formed in my last year of high school, habits that did end up biting me in the ass because I didn't get to walk at graduation with the rest of my class. Which is fine to me, but not fine to my dad since he wants to SOME DAY see me at a graduation. So I've been working on getting an associate's and kind of dragging my feet along the way, wanting the basic shit to be OVER so I can get to actually doing stuff for the career I want, except I'm never fucking EVER going to get into the program I want if I can't figure this shit out and find out what the hell is actually going on, but more importantly, finding the will to do just that instead of avoidingavoidingavoiding unpleasantness associated with my less than enthusiastic approach to academics. It's a vicious cycle.

So I got an email saying the school now wants to workshop me to get me "back on the right track" since this semester last and the one before that I didn't do so hot, and I'm just. I want to scream. I want to be able to do SOMETHING right because I haven't held down a job since 2009 and if I'm being let off for that on the condition that my schooling take precedence and then NOT DO IT RIGHT then what kind of fucking asshole am I? My dad pays for this, and I don't take student loans bc I don't trust them, and my dad is in a job he hates because he wants to see me succeed and I am trying to find out a way to tell him and my grandmother in a way that doesn't make them disown me for being a parasite. I'm so tired of being ordinary and underachieving. Maybe I can go work for my cousin or uncle in the Teamsters union instead and make a career out of that. But I doubt it.
atthemercyof: (Default)

[personal profile] atthemercyof 2012-02-09 09:19 pm (UTC)(link)
Ignore the wrong account, I've forgotten my dreamwidth password and I'm being really lazy as it is. Apparently since lj-login I don't even want to press the log out button.

I wish I could help, baby. Apart from saying we should go be explorers somewhere, I'm never any good at giving advice. What do you study, if you don't mind me asking? I'm not all that familiar with the American schooling system? I think it's different than ours, but if it's not making you happy, I can see why you'd be less than enthusiastic.
Edited 2012-02-09 21:22 (UTC)
yourbestguysgun: (Default)

[personal profile] yourbestguysgun 2012-02-10 04:27 pm (UTC)(link)
I thought I'd replied to this last night. ;; I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to not.

All I can say is you've got to do what makes you happy, I know it's hard, especially when you don't want to upset anyone, but you're too precious not to have the kind of life you want. If schooling isn't for you, then it isn't for you.

You could join me in my mission to join the circus?
atthemercyof: ([Erik] Waist)

[personal profile] atthemercyof 2012-02-10 05:19 pm (UTC)(link)
I'm glad that you have someone who is useful! I think if you can get into the right mindframe it won't feel so awful.

xrainbowcloud: (pic#1168854)

[personal profile] xrainbowcloud 2012-02-10 02:31 am (UTC)(link)
I don't really know the differences between American and English education systems, but as someone who got behind towards the end of school because of reasons and then didn't do so well at trying to make up for that at college the following year? And then had to spend several extra years trying to get as far as everyone else for my age group for what I wanted to do, I can understand to a degree just how stressful and isolating it is to be in that position. I know I personally put too much pressure on myself because I was trying to catch up so desperately for something I wanted, and then there were people wanting me to finally get somewhere, but I forced too hard and eventually just settled for the best I could get.

If you're really that unhappy, and if you don't feel like you can cope with it enough to get to where you want to be, there must be someone who you can maybe speak to about it. Do they have careers advisors there? Maybe someone who can help to go through everything, see if there's a way to make it easier on you somehow, and if not then alternative options. Like I said, I'm not sure how it works, but if you can sit and talk to someone who knows then maybe you can find a way to make it work.
xrainbowcloud: (Default)

[personal profile] xrainbowcloud 2012-02-11 04:38 am (UTC)(link)
That's good! I know I took advantage of it whenever it was open to, and it usually helped, so I hope you are able to figure something out. <3

Being honest is probably the best, see how it goes for how much you put forward when it comes to it, and I really hope it goes better than you think. It's awful to have pressure on you like that, and if they're supportive it could make so much difference.

I really hope it works out for you somehow.