mezzanineview | (no subject)

Right, so. It's been ages since I wrote anything here or at my old LJ but here it goes.

I feel like an awful, awful failure at my own life. I've been going to community college and half assing it pretty much all the way because of bad habits I formed in my last year of high school, habits that did end up biting me in the ass because I didn't get to walk at graduation with the rest of my class. Which is fine to me, but not fine to my dad since he wants to SOME DAY see me at a graduation. So I've been working on getting an associate's and kind of dragging my feet along the way, wanting the basic shit to be OVER so I can get to actually doing stuff for the career I want, except I'm never fucking EVER going to get into the program I want if I can't figure this shit out and find out what the hell is actually going on, but more importantly, finding the will to do just that instead of avoidingavoidingavoiding unpleasantness associated with my less than enthusiastic approach to academics. It's a vicious cycle.

So I got an email saying the school now wants to workshop me to get me "back on the right track" since this semester last and the one before that I didn't do so hot, and I'm just. I want to scream. I want to be able to do SOMETHING right because I haven't held down a job since 2009 and if I'm being let off for that on the condition that my schooling take precedence and then NOT DO IT RIGHT then what kind of fucking asshole am I? My dad pays for this, and I don't take student loans bc I don't trust them, and my dad is in a job he hates because he wants to see me succeed and I am trying to find out a way to tell him and my grandmother in a way that doesn't make them disown me for being a parasite. I'm so tired of being ordinary and underachieving. Maybe I can go work for my cousin or uncle in the Teamsters union instead and make a career out of that. But I doubt it.

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Ignore the wrong account, I've forgotten my dreamwidth password and I'm being really lazy as it is. Apparently since lj-login I don't even want to press the log out button.

I wish I could help, baby. Apart from saying we should go be explorers somewhere, I'm never any good at giving advice. What do you study, if you don't mind me asking? I'm not all that familiar with the American schooling system? I think it's different than ours, but if it's not making you happy, I can see why you'd be less than enthusiastic.

Edited 2012-02-09 21:22 (UTC)

No worries on the account <3 Also you have editing powers this way~

I was aiming to enter a program for nursing, but with the way my grades have been damaged, it'll hurt my chances of getting it. I don't know if it's the same for all nursing programs, but at first blush, entry is grades and time sensitive, but even when you've been in the queue for a while, it comes down to a lottery because the program at my particular location is overstuffed with applicants. So, without the grades, I have almost no chance. So. So, I could, theoretically, take the normal classes I need at a different associated college, but it's still up to chance, even if I find the motivation and my grades do improve.

But I don't know if I want to go through the trouble for it anymore; maybe a different major would be better for me, something slightly less involved like medical coding & billing or medical assistance. I feel like those would be a lot easier to get done and require less certification than the real hands on stuff.

of course, this does nothing to lighten the pressure to get some degree, and as long as I haven't got those general classes I can't get an associate's. Not that that really helps the job search because there's nothing other than go-nowhere jobs at food places and the sort available in Southern California. Ugh, fuck everything.

I thought I'd replied to this last night. ;; I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to not.

All I can say is you've got to do what makes you happy, I know it's hard, especially when you don't want to upset anyone, but you're too precious not to have the kind of life you want. If schooling isn't for you, then it isn't for you.

You could join me in my mission to join the circus?

I'm unhappy right now, but, yeah. I talked with my BFF last night and he took my forward momentum into Self Loathingville and judoed that shit into something positive. I don't even know how he does it, but because of him I'm like DO ALL THE THINGS now and job searching and stuff - it's weird, but I've edged away from the awfulness that was yesterday and the day before. I don't actually have much of a choice with the schooling and whether I want to do it; for all parties involved, it's really just something I've got to do and just commit it to fact.

That will be my backup plan ;_; /hides behind you

I'm glad that you have someone who is useful! I think if you can get into the right mindframe it won't feel so awful.

/PROTECTS.

I don't really know the differences between American and English education systems, but as someone who got behind towards the end of school because of reasons and then didn't do so well at trying to make up for that at college the following year? And then had to spend several extra years trying to get as far as everyone else for my age group for what I wanted to do, I can understand to a degree just how stressful and isolating it is to be in that position. I know I personally put too much pressure on myself because I was trying to catch up so desperately for something I wanted, and then there were people wanting me to finally get somewhere, but I forced too hard and eventually just settled for the best I could get.

If you're really that unhappy, and if you don't feel like you can cope with it enough to get to where you want to be, there must be someone who you can maybe speak to about it. Do they have careers advisors there? Maybe someone who can help to go through everything, see if there's a way to make it easier on you somehow, and if not then alternative options. Like I said, I'm not sure how it works, but if you can sit and talk to someone who knows then maybe you can find a way to make it work.

Yeah, something I never took advantage of when I wasn't behind, but I've made an appointment for next week that lets me see a counselor about how to get out of my predicament. Thinking on it, that was also the best first step I came to, so yeah, I'm glad I have someone to agree with me.

I'm more and more anxious as to how to approach it with my grandma and dad, though. I can tell the truth, that I'm falling a bit behind and I can't get the classes I need, and I can tell the absolute truth and state that I haven't been doing as well as I thought I was and that it's largely my fault. Knowing the spectacularly un-nuanced ways that my dad reacts to things, however, I'd prefer the former, but I'm slowly getting my stomach unclenched again.

That's good! I know I took advantage of it whenever it was open to, and it usually helped, so I hope you are able to figure something out. <3

Being honest is probably the best, see how it goes for how much you put forward when it comes to it, and I really hope it goes better than you think. It's awful to have pressure on you like that, and if they're supportive it could make so much difference.

I really hope it works out for you somehow.