(no subject)

Right, so. It's been ages since I wrote anything here or at my old LJ but here it goes.

I feel like an awful, awful failure at my own life. I've been going to community college and half assing it pretty much all the way because of bad habits I formed in my last year of high school, habits that did end up biting me in the ass because I didn't get to walk at graduation with the rest of my class. Which is fine to me, but not fine to my dad since he wants to SOME DAY see me at a graduation. So I've been working on getting an associate's and kind of dragging my feet along the way, wanting the basic shit to be OVER so I can get to actually doing stuff for the career I want, except I'm never fucking EVER going to get into the program I want if I can't figure this shit out and find out what the hell is actually going on, but more importantly, finding the will to do just that instead of avoidingavoidingavoiding unpleasantness associated with my less than enthusiastic approach to academics. It's a vicious cycle.

So I got an email saying the school now wants to workshop me to get me "back on the right track" since this semester last and the one before that I didn't do so hot, and I'm just. I want to scream. I want to be able to do SOMETHING right because I haven't held down a job since 2009 and if I'm being let off for that on the condition that my schooling take precedence and then NOT DO IT RIGHT then what kind of fucking asshole am I? My dad pays for this, and I don't take student loans bc I don't trust them, and my dad is in a job he hates because he wants to see me succeed and I am trying to find out a way to tell him and my grandmother in a way that doesn't make them disown me for being a parasite. I'm so tired of being ordinary and underachieving. Maybe I can go work for my cousin or uncle in the Teamsters union instead and make a career out of that. But I doubt it.

/kicks dust

Whew, so. Re: last entry, I have exactly one friend that I've vehemently held on to since high school and still see him frequently, both of us altering our schedules on a regular basis just to hang out with each other more. And he came home from work tonight and let me sob and whinge and cry all over his couch, then proceeded to outline that his degree and his education have actually done very little in the process of getting him his current job, that a lot of it was sheer, dumb luck and the fretting I've been doing over mine is overwrought in some aspects, and at worst, is combining my intense anxiety with the nasty bit of stomach virus I have to make my life a physical living hell.

So yeah. We both agreed that talking to a counselor first would be the best possible start, then gave me some insight into job hunting, student loans, the never-ending, oft-difficult pathways of taking the classes one needs to Get Shit Done, and basically yeah, he talked me down from the ledge because he's some kind of fucking analysis guru that can figure out my shit better than I can I am so grateful for his existence.

Then he gave me some tums, made me tea, and we called out sick to our WoW raid so we could watch anime and have some time to unwind. He's seriously the best. I realize that the road ahead going to be shitty and there are built in spots where I'm going to slip, and my family is going to be a pain in the ass with their foot tapping on when the heck ever I'm going to be getting my AA, but you know what? That's fine. They can wait. I'm doing this at my pace and I've found the fire lit under my butt to do it. I'm going to sleep better tonight than I did last night, that's for sure.