mezzanineview: (Default)
Aside from freaking myself out reading Web MD, I've been making a mad scramble to get in control of my stress levels with varying degrees of success. A product of having such an avoidant personality is corners like the ones I do drive myself into emotionally, and maybe when I got that letter about my schooling early in February, I may have started to drive myself crazy with anxiety, which would be feckless in and of itself since there's only so much that educational systems allow you to do at one time, so playing catchup is all a matter of taking it easy anyway and getting your shit in on time.

I suppose it doesn't help that I'm getting pressure from my dad to get some things rolling, but all I can tell him is the truth: I'm doing the best I can. I can take more classes and get an AA out of the way and hopefully get a job, but it will take time, time I've kind of already blown a bit of, but doubtless given perseverance I can get all of this through.

So I'm practicing giving less fucks about frivolous things, hoping that'll unclench my stomach and allow me a little peace from the constant worrying. I've stopped reading comment sections and forums entirely, tumblr savior'd bullshit I'm tired of hearing about and I just want to relax.

Breathe in, breathe out.
mezzanineview: ([Holmes] thankless job)
Welp, there goes my resolution to post more, huh? :)

I'm happy to say that mentally, I'm in a better place than my last posts, if not physically, which is a fine trade off, as far as I'm concerned. For a bit I thought my physical problems were psychosomatic because I was so distressed at that time & also couldn't really eat then, and thought that, hey, it might be repeating itself, but no, my body's still funky even though I'm doing better.

So the physical bit: for a little less than a week I'd been having some issues - stomach feeling full all the time, weird cramps, nausea and the like - and yeah, for a while I thought it was part of an anxiety attack, but it was really bad. I couldn't even eat something as bland as Ritz crackers without serious risk of gagging, and for about two days I had to have a bottle of Pepto Bismol by my side at all times. Since I got back from my dad's, the symptoms have alleviated a lot, and I'm wondering if it has anything to do with sea level frankly, but all I know is I'm doing better now, didn't have to take any antacids or anything for the first time today. I'm still looking into getting a doctor's appointment set up so I'm not tempted to go to WebMD again (the answer is always cancer with that site, haha), especially if it seems to be recurring. At the very least I know it's not ulcers, so yay :)

The rest of the weekend whipsawed between success and utter failure. Successes: I got to visit my dad! Lifting his spirits is sometimes just that simple, since he never gets to see us unless his school is on vacation that week. On Saturday everyone piled into the truck & we went out to try searching for some mud pools that used to feed into this spa that stood way back in the thirties. Found the hollowed out husk of that spa, but no mud pools, but it was still a cool day out in the wild.

Failures: dad and my brother. Urg. They're depressingly childish around each other, and while I don't grudge my dad because he's got it pretty stressful on a day to day basis, I draw the line at getting smashed and playing hideous music over the sound system at two in the morning while three others are trying to sleep. It's rude as fuck and I wish SOMEONE would have said something about it in the morning, but any hint of complaint was primarily brushed off by my brother, who was doing his best to be as racist and misogynist as possible because he loves pissing me off. I just tried not to react or cry at breakfast. Also, not vomit, because as soon as we walked through the restaurant's doors the smell of grease hit me and the nausea returned full force.

So it's been another two days of trying to relax and recover. Anyone who bought the new Andrew Bird album from his website got to download it early, so I'm enjoying that and drinking my tea, mellow as you like. I'll just leave this weekend behind me and focus on moving ahead. Promise to try and post more, lovelies.

/kicks dust

Feb. 9th, 2012 08:38 pm
mezzanineview: (Default)
Whew, so. Re: last entry, I have exactly one friend that I've vehemently held on to since high school and still see him frequently, both of us altering our schedules on a regular basis just to hang out with each other more. And he came home from work tonight and let me sob and whinge and cry all over his couch, then proceeded to outline that his degree and his education have actually done very little in the process of getting him his current job, that a lot of it was sheer, dumb luck and the fretting I've been doing over mine is overwrought in some aspects, and at worst, is combining my intense anxiety with the nasty bit of stomach virus I have to make my life a physical living hell.

So yeah. We both agreed that talking to a counselor first would be the best possible start, then gave me some insight into job hunting, student loans, the never-ending, oft-difficult pathways of taking the classes one needs to Get Shit Done, and basically yeah, he talked me down from the ledge because he's some kind of fucking analysis guru that can figure out my shit better than I can I am so grateful for his existence.

Then he gave me some tums, made me tea, and we called out sick to our WoW raid so we could watch anime and have some time to unwind. He's seriously the best. I realize that the road ahead going to be shitty and there are built in spots where I'm going to slip, and my family is going to be a pain in the ass with their foot tapping on when the heck ever I'm going to be getting my AA, but you know what? That's fine. They can wait. I'm doing this at my pace and I've found the fire lit under my butt to do it. I'm going to sleep better tonight than I did last night, that's for sure.
mezzanineview: (Default)
Right, so. It's been ages since I wrote anything here or at my old LJ but here it goes.

I feel like an awful, awful failure at my own life. I've been going to community college and half assing it pretty much all the way because of bad habits I formed in my last year of high school, habits that did end up biting me in the ass because I didn't get to walk at graduation with the rest of my class. Which is fine to me, but not fine to my dad since he wants to SOME DAY see me at a graduation. So I've been working on getting an associate's and kind of dragging my feet along the way, wanting the basic shit to be OVER so I can get to actually doing stuff for the career I want, except I'm never fucking EVER going to get into the program I want if I can't figure this shit out and find out what the hell is actually going on, but more importantly, finding the will to do just that instead of avoidingavoidingavoiding unpleasantness associated with my less than enthusiastic approach to academics. It's a vicious cycle.

So I got an email saying the school now wants to workshop me to get me "back on the right track" since this semester last and the one before that I didn't do so hot, and I'm just. I want to scream. I want to be able to do SOMETHING right because I haven't held down a job since 2009 and if I'm being let off for that on the condition that my schooling take precedence and then NOT DO IT RIGHT then what kind of fucking asshole am I? My dad pays for this, and I don't take student loans bc I don't trust them, and my dad is in a job he hates because he wants to see me succeed and I am trying to find out a way to tell him and my grandmother in a way that doesn't make them disown me for being a parasite. I'm so tired of being ordinary and underachieving. Maybe I can go work for my cousin or uncle in the Teamsters union instead and make a career out of that. But I doubt it.
mezzanineview: (Default)
And done.
mezzanineview: ([politics] Obama)

Now's not the time for us to look on the past with hate, nor the future with cynicism and despair. We can't allow ourselves to be pitted against each other once more in the embers of a dying ideology, can't let ourselves be crushed by the politics of hate. It is ours to fight the fear cultivated specifically to drain us of trust, to fill us with doubt. Fear of the unknown, fear of untested optimism, fear of each other.

Take my hand and I'll take yours.

Yes we can.
mezzanineview: (Default)
The ones most in need of hugs are the ones who hand them out to everyone else.
mezzanineview: (don't push till this breaks)
Things to be thankful for:

-friends that care enough about me to help me out of a predicament

-my flist

-those many days when I'm not being depressed for the sake of being depressed. Those are the ones that really matter, even if they don't feel the most real. It's where I want to be.

-looking forward to something better. No matter where I'm at, I know there's something else and I just have to get my shit together and go for it

-music. Anyone from John Williams, Danny Elfman, and Stephen Sondheim to John Lennon, Paul McCartney, Bob Dylan, and Brian Wilson to Freddie Mercury and David Bowie and those young ones Pete Wentz, Patrick Stump, Gerard Way, and Colin Meloy. There's so much out there that I love and hate, but I know I want it in my life.

-complicated people. Don't only make life more interesting, but make examining oneself far more fascinating and worthwhile.

-movies references. Pretty much nothing is more awesome than saying "I think he's eating garbage!" in the middle of dinner and have at least one person snort into their drink.

There's probably some more stuff, but I really like watching the Macy's Parade and remembering that I was in it last year ^__^ Have a happy holiday <3
mezzanineview: (rockstar)
sometimes i wonder if i'm just writinglivingexisting blind. there's so much i don't see, so much people realize before i do, and for once i'd love to make a discovery of my own, love to explore a concept that someone hasn't thought of, love to speak in terms that weren't so literal, for lack of having any other way to express myself. metaphors come awkwardly to me, don't feel genuine; all i can do is write it/see it/ tell it how i know it is to myself, but i wonder if it's only because i haven't lived yet, if it's because i haven't risked myself by putting myself in the line of fire and allowed myself to be torn to pieces just yet. is it really so bad a thing? is it really so terrible to be broken down and live to tell the tale?

it's better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all, in all senses that it applies to experience.

i feel like i'm always stealing someone else's words, even when i'm not looking at them eye to eye. it makes me wish things haven't all been discovered already, so there'd be a bit left for me, to make me worthwhile. writing is my catharsis, but i wonder when it'll stop feeling like self indulgence, tampering with other people's lives for my sake.

many people have found this out long before i have, but it's not just catchy and it's not just music and it's not just words, but i'm really only just discovering how deep it runs. always playing catchup.

stay golden.


Oct. 27th, 2007 05:31 pm
mezzanineview: (I can crush you with my voice)
[mood| confused]
[music|watching Heroes]

Okay. So.

Been doing a lot of thinking lately, and alternately I feel dismal and good about it. Dismal because I'm realizing how really pathetic I am, socially, and the fact that I really don't know what to do about it, and good because, well, I do want to do something about it. I mean, there has to be someone that's willing to help me out or talk to me or hug me or something, right?

My family is really bad at that, communication. When were not trying to backstab each other, intentionally or not, then we're being awkward, or, if you're an adult, getting wasted at the parties we hold in the back yard, because that's really the only means that we can get together and actually stand each other, for the most part, I think. I can't really help it: I don't like my family. It sounds really lame and really Teen Angst with a capital TA, but it's the truth. Human contact isn't something I get a lot of, like, literally. I don't touch a lot of people. Like I said, my family annoys me, it's kind of weird to hang out with your brother's girlfriend even when she's totally cool with it and she's living in the same house as you are, and my brother doesn't like me to even do something as stupid as steal his hat, or pet his head as I pass by the couch; he's weird like that. I'm fairly sure it's a front he puts up, but it's really hard to tell with anything he does; he can dish it, whatever it is, given the situation, he just doesn't know how to take it.

And that bothers me. He's inadvertently contributing to this thing I have. He's being weird, so i kind of don't know how to act around people because even after eighteen years, I haven't properly learned how to be a person. I hate being around people because I think the mass majority of them just act stupidly and have a mob mentality and just don't have any class whatsoever, and that's discouraging. It's hard for me to even try when all aorund me i don't like what i see, but I have to do something before it's too late.

It's depressing and I might be tearing up a little because I'm an absolute sap like that, and I shouldn't be like this because I've had it pretty good my whole life. But I do want to fix it, and maybe my ideas aren't all that great because maybe Ive read one too many stories and watched too many movies and I'm expecting a fairytale, like a miracle friendship or a miracle love will happen, but all I know is that I won't know unless I actually try.

So I'm going to write some more. I'm going to make some calls. One of my old high school friends has invited me to go to a hardcore show, and even if that's not my scene, I'm going. Because it's about goddamn time.

Stay golden.


mezzanineview: (Default)

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